Fairy Tale Ending...

In Fall '07, I was taking a Creative Writing class just for fun. During this time I saw the movie Becoming Jane. I'd always been fond of Austen's writing, but didn't know much about her life until then. Somewhere in the middle of the movie I got an overwhelming feeling that my life is going to somehow mirror hers. I came home and wrote the following entry in my Writer's Journal for class:

It's one thing to not be able to write when I'm tired or my blood sugar is low, but right now my heart is heavy and the voices are gone. I want to write the fairy tale about my own love, but I'm afraid. What if I write the ending I want and Spenser and I don't get married? Sure, writers have the prerogative to end a story however they choose, but this could break my heart. Then again, the "happy ending" may bring me solace if it doesn't work out with Spenser and me in real life. In Becoming Jane, Jane Austen said all her stories would end happily and her characters would have everything they desired. That really struck me because the beauty of writing is in the author's pen. It gives us the power to "rewrite" any event in our lives however we see fit. Jane didn't get to keep her true love, but their bond and the dream of a life together could be preserved in the pages of her books. Following in her footsteps would lead to a very blessed life. She never married, yet the love in her stories still touches millions today. I hope my legacy is that strong. Still, here is my dilemma: If I write my perfect ending to my book and Spenser and are not together for life, I feel like I'm taking revenge on God for not giving me what I want. After all, His will is what's best for me. I don't know, maybe this is a silly debate because he and I will most likely be married and blissfully happy. And if that happens, my fairy tale will be a glorious reminder of just how far Spenser and I have come. If not, perhaps the Lord will allow it as a way for me to cope.

Re-reading this today makes me sad because I think I foresaw being in the place where I am now when I wrote it - trying to find joy in my singleness. I am pretty sure today that I will indeed follow in Austen's footsteps of allowing the best and most significant parts of one great love in my own life inspire the design of the hero in all my stories. I am thankful that God has given me one blessing that He apparently didn't give Jane Austen - the man who captured my heart will remain my best friend for my entire life. I'll always laugh with him, have his constant encouragement and be able watch him become the strong and honorable man God created him to be. I would have nothing real to write about if not for Spenser.

No matter where God takes us in our separate journeys, the bond between us is ever lasting. I'll finish the novel I began writing based on our love someday soon and let my heart guide the ending.
God is smiling at me right now, I can feel it and it's just for the simple fact that He knows me better than I know myself.

"And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them." Romans 8:28, NLT

A Nightly Argument

"Hey, don't fall asleep yet. I have a great idea for your book."
"Do you have to tell me this now? I'm in bed, can't write it down."
"I know, but I'm awake. You'll remember in the morning, won't you?"
"You know I only recall fragments of what we discuss by the time I wake up. Why can't you ever talk to me when I'm at the computer during the day? I sit there for hours and all I hear is your heavy breathing."
"Oh, yeah, that's when I like to nap."
"What?! Why on earth would you nap during the only time we can work together?"
"I'm sorry. It's just that when you're in bed there are no interruptions and I have your full attention..."
"True, but what good does my undivided attention do you if I have no way to write down all your ideas?"
"Well, what if you just stayed awake in bed all night with me then wrote everything down when you get up in the morning?"
"You expect me to be fully functional on absolutely no sleep? Keep dreaming, goodnight!"
"What? It's just a suggestion..."
"Oy, you're impossible!"

The above dialogue is the never ending battle between my mind and body. My mind, shall I call her Bella Brooke, is constantly speaking, moving and creating. Well, she's not working when Brooke Morgan, my body, is not fatigued and/or in pain. There has to be a way to write around my cage or else manipulate it to submit to my commands. I refuse to let my complete self be beaten by one rebellious part.

An Experiment...

There are many kinds of writers in this world: journaling writers, who enjoy chronicling the events of their lives along with all the accompanying thoughts and emotions to share with those who care enough to read them; opinion writers seek to express their perspective on various happenings in society, perhaps to incite change; poets speak their hearts and minds through imagery, stanza and verse and of course, fiction writers breathe life into imaginary characters that have the ability to reach out individually to the readers who encounter them.

Obviously, these are only a sampling of the types of writers that exist today and many are fluid in multiple forms. So, the question is, what kind of writer am I? Well, I am first a fiction writer but also a poet. You may wonder then, about the purpose of this blog... Consider it an experiment in creation.

Many writers become known for their ability to produce great work born out of profound heartache. It is a way of healing from and coming to terms with deep emotional and/or spiritual pain. I, however, realized this morning that this is not the case with me and is something I need to change. My best tales have always been and will probably continue to be weaved in moments of immense joy, love and peace. Since that day in October when my heart was cracked in two and likely reshaped for the rest of my life, the characters in my head have forgotten their stories and fallen eerily silent, bringing my most personal creative work to a screeching halt. It's as if my friends have retreated back into the lands from which they came and sealed off the entrance at the first sign of trouble, as a manner of self preservation.

This is not to say that I'm still crying everyday, have stopped laughing, stopped watching over those closest to me or can't function at my new job. I can and I do. Still, the hurt and sadness remain, keeping the doors to those magical worlds hidden under cold, heavy gray fog. I know God does not want me to waste the gift He's given me by wandering aimlessly in the darkness of my mind. He created me to introduce His people to the characters with the power to work miracles in their hearts.

But, how do I coax them out of hiding when I can't even face writing out my own... story? Hence this blog experiment. Though I do journal my thoughts and feelings on my life experiences, I don't do it often enough and NEVER share them with anyone. I want to see if forcing myself to speak in and share my own voice will lift the fog so I can find my way back to my friends who need me to tell their stories.

And so, every few days I'll be posting my thoughts, ideas and random inspirations or discoveries. I hope you'll join me on this journey because I would appreciate your feedback, gentle encouragement and of course, your prayers.

"Do not be afraid or discouraged, for the LORD will personally go ahead of you. He will be with you; he will neither fail you nor abandon you." Deuteronomy 31:8, NLT